Kauneinkin kesä lakastuu ja ruskan värihehkun jälkeen on vain autius ja paljaus

Kävin tänään isin kanssa sytostaattihoidoissa. Häntä siis hoidettiin, ei minua. Nappasin mukaani pienen vihkosen surusta (teksti: Kari Koivu, graafinen suunnittelu: Tytti Heikkinen, painatus Redfina Oy, julkaisija: Suomen Syöpäpotilaat ry).  Otsikon lainaus on vihkosesta. Tässä ote:

 "Jokainen ero ja lähtö voi olla lopullinen. Jokainen ero ja lähtö on kuin pieni minän kuolema. Myös ympäröivä luonto opettaa meitä. Kauneinkin kesä lakastuu ja ruskan värihehkun jälkeen on vain autius ja paljaus. Näin elämä on opettanut meille luopumista, vaikka emme ehkä ole sitä niin ymmärtäneet."

"Elämä jatkuu ja muistojen sirpaleista syntyy jotakin uutta. Ellemme opi suremalla luopumaan, emme voi ottaa vastaan mitään uutta. Moni on jälkeenpäin kokenut raskaan suruajan myös uutta luovana ja puhdistavana. Elämään on syntynyt uudenlaista syvyyttä. Särkyneestä on syntynyt entistä vahvempaa ja ehyempää. Ei ole tietä surun yli tai ohi, mutta on tie surun läpi uuteen toivoon ja rohkeuteen."

 Sanat puhuttelivat, vaikkei kukaan olekaan vielä kuolemassa. Elämä on muuttunut hurjasti; olen nykyisin itsellinen nainen. Huh, nainen on niin outo sana. Tunnen oloni tytöksi. Päätös on joka tapauksessa tähän hetkeen oikea. 

Luopumista, uuteen totuttelua. Sairautta, epävarmuuden sietoa, tyhjyyttä.



take me some place where there's music and there's laughter

Hi. I'm not really sure what to say and how to write this, but I felt like I had to do it anyway. Even though I'd like to blog, I always fall out of the habit. I'm tired. Actually, I'm exhausted at times.

My dad's got cancer, my grandma's got cancer. I haven't cried all that much, but I think of them (especially my dad) every single day. Who's next? Probably the dog, he's already 13 years old... It's not only that, but since 2010 almost every year something bad or nasty happens. Good things, too, but still.

I don't know what to write, I don't know how to talk to people. What do you say when everything sucks and you don't want to be a killjoy at every single event you go to? Sure, I have good days, sometimes I really enjoy life, but there's always either numbness or sorrow behind it. Mostly numbness, which I hate. I'd rather feel something, even sorrow.

Gotta keep working, gotta keep studying. I wish I could go on a holiday! Or I could stay here, too, but if only I didn't have any obligations.

I just want to sleep, pick mushrooms in the forest and see people while they're still here. Hope you're doing well.


Summer Memories









Birthdays and Whatnot

Hello, hello! I did not intend to take a break from blogging, it just kind of happened. For the past month and a half, I've been trying to enjoy summer, because June and half of July were just terrible, raining all the time etc. So! A friend and I went to Stockholm on Monday, where these photos were taken. It's a lovely city, it'd be nice to spend more time there.

The ABBA museum was a neat place. I've liked ABBA since I was ten or something! It's an interactive tour, you get to sing and dance and do other cool stuff!

I was really tempted to buy that honey, but I only bought a Voulez-vous pin. 
My Swedish skills are quite rusty at the moment, because I never use the language. I had to resort to English a couple of times, what a shame!


I could see myself living in Stockholm, if only I spoke better Swedish!


Pre-birthday cake after the trip in Turku. Today is my actual birthday. 24 years, I'm old.


A New Dress

I've finished sewing a new dress! I bought the fabric in 2013, and sort of started the project last summer, and now the dress is finally ready. When I sew, I usually pick the pattern from one of my two 50s sewing magazines. The only thing that bothers me about the patterns is that they usually are not my size, and I have to make adjustments, which can be difficult!

I thought this was my first floral dress, but I actually do have one 60s floral dress. It looks like a maternity dress, which is why I don't really wear it often!



You sometimes need a parasol in Finland! Not that often this year, though...

I'm wearing the dress without a petticoat, mine is rather modest anyway. I need a big, puffy, fluffy petticoat! (And another pair of sandals in addition to the Swedish Hasbeens!)


Summer, Kind of Wonderful

What's new:

- it seems that summer is finally here!
- our fridge stopped working, it's really annoying! You can't buy anything in advance because it goes bad...
- I have a fringe. It's too thin at the moment, because hairdressers hardly ever understand what I want, but luckily fringes always grow too fast, so it'll be thick enough!

Today's outfit, nothing too special. I made the skirt myself, and I have to say I'm disappointed at the fabric, because it gets wrinkled in an instant!


50s Flowers and the 'One Day it'll Fit' Skirt

You know those pieces of clothing that you just got to have even though they might be too tight-fitting? Well, this flea-market bought COS skirt didn't quite fit me when I bought it a year ago, but I really liked the colour and the design. It's not a habit of mine to buy items that are too small for me, but this skirt was an exception! I'm also hanging on to some of my old vintage dresses that are now too small for me, but maybe one day they will fit again.

 The sandals are Swedish Hasbeens! They're finally getting comfortable to wear...

As if I didn't spend enough money in Paris (for example on the &Other Stories bag in the photos), I went and bought those Ray-Bans. But the truth is that I only owned some crappy H&M sunglasses... It's just scary to buy expensive things, like the bag and the sunglasses, because I'm constantly afraid of breaking them or getting dirt on them etc.




Our week in Paris was lovely. Now that I'm home, I've just been ill, working and writing my BA thesis. Truth be told, I could have stayed there for many, many weeks (or months). I still wish to live there some day. I have sort of forgotten that I've actually lived in France - it's only a distant memory!